"Small scratch!" the nurse says dully, automatically on script as she syringes my blood. "Keep this on for an hour", she mumbles as she sticks the cotton wad to the crook of my arm.
Surprisingly ~ too quickly ~ the following day, my breathless doctor calls to inform me that he is putting me on the fast-track for prostate investigations! This is all happening so fast. "Your PSA level is high". "Have a good weekend," he says, "I'll be around on Monday if you want to ask any questions". (I only went to see him because we wanted to get a new bed....).
For some time I'd had what I took to be 'normal' waterworks problems for a man in his late sixties. This man. A bit of 'urgency' (almost getting taken short) and 'frequency' (going a bit too often) and the occasional minor 'accident' (really getting taken short). You don't want to get a new bed if there's a risk of leakage, so I thought I'd better give the doctor a call, after all I hadn't seen him for years. I'm just getting over a bad back and now this.
We've gone to meet an old friend in Brighton. The weather is fine and we're having a lovely time. I'm feeling kind of floaty and numb and waves of emotion are sweeping around, over and through me. Apart from my wife, she is the first person I've mentioned all this to, and from the look on her face it appears that I might actually be in serious trouble. I feel somewhat detached from reality.
On top of that, in two days ~ September 4th ~ it's the anniversary of the death of our daughter Annabel; always a difficult and heart-rending time. In three days ~ September 5th ~ it's my birthday. Never been a great fan of birthdays! In eight days ~ September 10th ~ I will have a whole battery of tests in Portsmouth. This will tell us If I have stage one, two or three of prostate cancer or that there's something else going on and the results will present me with a number of options. 'Watch and wait', medication, radiotherapy, an operation or an as yet to be decided approach involving a whole collection of things.... or maybe it's a false alarm? I'm told to keep the next two months free!
It's alright I suppose ~ I mean, nothing's happening yet ~ right now ~ and I will take each day as mindfully as I can, and as best I can, directly experience it all. Except it's not quite what I had in mind for the foreseeable future! Just got a new bike ~ treated myself to an electric one ~ been meaning to for years.... perfect timing!
Let's see what happens eh? What else can I do? I don't want this to define or change me and my life forever, but who knows? My plan is to carry on being strong, keeping up with all connections, and involvements with family, friends and everyone, and work at staying as fit as I can while I can, whenever I can. And see what unfolds....Wish me luck!
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